dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
