I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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