Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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