He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
