My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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