Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
