Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize