Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm passing your future prison.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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