I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
