Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
