Where is the hickey?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
