I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
