I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
