Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
