Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
