Yo dont text me then not text me
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Randomize
