Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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