grandma shit on top of the toilet
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
