Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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