I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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