Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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