I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
There r osticjed everywhere
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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