wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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