what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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