I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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