i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
