I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
