I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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