Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
