The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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