Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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