Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
