I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
