you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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