i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize