dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
