If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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