Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
