....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
