I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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