The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize