im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
