oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Vodka?
Forever.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
