Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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