If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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