i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
