My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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