i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
