Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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