If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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