The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
