Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
