My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
