We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
