textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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