Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
