I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize