you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize