sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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