you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
