I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
