Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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