found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
