I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
